John Carter Brings Pulp Back In A Super Sexy Silly Fashion So See It Immediately
Carter’s bummed because his family died–apparently at the hands of roaming family-killers, who as you’ll know from Movie History 101 terrorized the Old West, determined to provide clean-cut heroes with an angsty backstory and roguish charm–and now he spends his time prospecting for gold, apparently so he can buy a new family. Unfortunately for him–well, actually quite fortunately, in a thematic sense–Carter is picked up by Bryan Cranston, who wants his help killing Apaches. But the movie isn’t called John Carter Of Indian-Punching, so Carter is like “dude, this is a Disney movie” and runs for it, ending up in a cave which holds both his gold and a Martian stargate. Since this isn’t “John Carter of the One Percent,” the latter is more important to the story. Carter is stargate’d to Mars, where a war is raging between the evil nation of Solange, led by the evil Sad Fang (sorry, I’m figuring this out phonetically, I didn’t stay for the credits), and the noble city of Helium (that can’t be right *Googles* it is), ruled by King Awesome Genes (c.f. his daughter, Dejah Thoris).